Boucher renounces football
Matt Boucher, star quarterback for the Beaver Valley High Nibblers football team announced today he is leaving the team.
Boucher, whose sleek moves on the field led the Nibblers to the state championship play-offs has left the team, stating he wishes to focus on his education and future.
"Football is ok if that's what you want to do with your life," Boucher said. "But I have a chance to advance my mind and already have at least a dozen offers so far from good colleges and universities. Success in professional sports is an iffy situation at best. I think I'm better off pursuing a skill I enjoy and one that won't give my mother another stroke like this last year. And I am very interested in becoming an artist. I love beauty and visual arts, and would like so much to give something beautiful back to the world. It is so much more appealing than dedicating my life to a mindlessly brutal sport. The only way I want to throw another ball is while playing with my kid brother and my future children. And I want to be around to have plenty of them!"
Nibblers coach, Squat Lewis, says he is very disappointed with Boucher's decision.
"He is letting down the only winning team I've had in seventeen years of coaching," Lewis stressed. "Or at least, the only partly winning team in seventeen years. What a thoughtless, selfish bastard this kid is. I hope his dreams of an intellectual career comes true, and he goes blind from the fumes of paint and linden oil. The asshole!"
Boucher's mother, Tammy, said she couldn't be happier about her son's decision. Her only regret is that Matt's father can't or won't share in their happiness.
"Sometimes I really, really regret getting Coach Lewis to be my baby daddy," Tammy commented.
Boucher, whose sleek moves on the field led the Nibblers to the state championship play-offs has left the team, stating he wishes to focus on his education and future.
"Football is ok if that's what you want to do with your life," Boucher said. "But I have a chance to advance my mind and already have at least a dozen offers so far from good colleges and universities. Success in professional sports is an iffy situation at best. I think I'm better off pursuing a skill I enjoy and one that won't give my mother another stroke like this last year. And I am very interested in becoming an artist. I love beauty and visual arts, and would like so much to give something beautiful back to the world. It is so much more appealing than dedicating my life to a mindlessly brutal sport. The only way I want to throw another ball is while playing with my kid brother and my future children. And I want to be around to have plenty of them!"
Nibblers coach, Squat Lewis, says he is very disappointed with Boucher's decision.
"He is letting down the only winning team I've had in seventeen years of coaching," Lewis stressed. "Or at least, the only partly winning team in seventeen years. What a thoughtless, selfish bastard this kid is. I hope his dreams of an intellectual career comes true, and he goes blind from the fumes of paint and linden oil. The asshole!"
Boucher's mother, Tammy, said she couldn't be happier about her son's decision. Her only regret is that Matt's father can't or won't share in their happiness.
"Sometimes I really, really regret getting Coach Lewis to be my baby daddy," Tammy commented.
Old Miss Player suspended after steroids charge
Wyonna Frednpepper has been suspended from the Old Miss Shuffle Board team after team member Tina Wyly came forward to claim Mrs. Frednpepper has been using steroids to enhance her performance.
According to Mrs. Wyly’s allegations Mrs. Frednpepper was seen leaving Wyly & Sons Pharmacy on Tuesday after picking up a prescription for steroids. Mrs. Wyly has charged the steroid use shows that Mrs. Frednpepper clearly stooped to unethical methods in order to sustain a nine month long status as the team’s Most Valuable Player. Mrs. Frednpepper has denied the charges, claiming her physician prescribed the steroids to treat her arthritis. Coach Martha Osborne says Mrs. Frednpepper will be on suspension until she can provide proof the steroids were for medical relief or when Mrs. Wyly keels over dead, whichever comes first.
Tight school budget cancels Nibblers chess team funding
A tight budget for the school system has forced officials at Beaver Valley High to cancel all funding for the chess team.
Principal Moe Harper says that he regrets that the decision may disappoint any or all of the chess team members, but drastic cuts in overall funding made for crucial cuts.
"With this years budget we had to choose between fundamental education necessities and non-essential activities such as chess," Haper told the BV Post. "We chose education."
The Beaver Valley High Chess Team won the State championship last year, as it had for give consecutive years. Last year's top place member went on to earn 2nd place in the Teen Global Championships in Rome.
Principal Moe Harper says that he regrets that the decision may disappoint any or all of the chess team members, but drastic cuts in overall funding made for crucial cuts.
"With this years budget we had to choose between fundamental education necessities and non-essential activities such as chess," Haper told the BV Post. "We chose education."
The Beaver Valley High Chess Team won the State championship last year, as it had for give consecutive years. Last year's top place member went on to earn 2nd place in the Teen Global Championships in Rome.
High school receives donation
Beaver Valley High has received a generous donation from business man, Lyle Hindstaff.
Hindstaff, who played Half-back for the Nibblers 1980-1983 and is owner of several businesses, including Hindstaff Used Cars, Hindstaff Septic System Supplies and Hindstaff Real Estate. His donation of $100,000 came with the stipulation that Principal Harper would alone decide on how the money is to be allocated. Harper has decided the high school will be best served by the construction of a juice bar for the football team.
"Lyle is a well-recognized and generous Beaver Valley business man," Harper says. "He's also a close friend and I know he often speaks of his avid interest in helping the school retain its academic excellence. For this reason we will be naming the juice bar the Lyle Hindstaff Juice & Snack Cafe. And with any money left over after construction we're going to erect a statue of Lyle on the grounds beside the athletic department."
Mandy Ford returns to the court
Mandy Ford has returned to the Nibblers court, just in time to gear up for the upcoming State high school playoffs.
Coach Brenda Palooka of the Beaver Valley High Lady Nibblers says she has high hopes for her team in the approaching State tournament, thanks to the determination of the star junior.
Ford, who led the team to 1st place last year in the tournament suffered an undisclosed pelvic inflammation in January. Despite physician warnings to refrain from getting back into anything with a V-shaped crotch, Ford says she has recovered sufficiently to get back into the game.
“The girl has tremendous pluck,” Palooka told reporters outside the Nibblers training court. “With her back I think the team has a fantastic chance of another stellar performance at the tournament.”
Mandy, who averages 32 points and 17 rebounds per game, admits that during her six-weeks long bout of treatment there were a couple of times she thought it might be better to just quit the team. But she says that it was the unusual camaraderie of her team mates that prompted her decision to return to the court.
“Their support was unforgettable,” Mandy says, “with their concerned emails, the frequent Facebook posts, the visit from state health officials, getting my name out there as a Twitter trending topic. I hope to return the favor not just on the court but on Youtube webcams. As soon as I’m fully recovered, of course.”
Coach Brenda Palooka of the Beaver Valley High Lady Nibblers says she has high hopes for her team in the approaching State tournament, thanks to the determination of the star junior.
Ford, who led the team to 1st place last year in the tournament suffered an undisclosed pelvic inflammation in January. Despite physician warnings to refrain from getting back into anything with a V-shaped crotch, Ford says she has recovered sufficiently to get back into the game.
“The girl has tremendous pluck,” Palooka told reporters outside the Nibblers training court. “With her back I think the team has a fantastic chance of another stellar performance at the tournament.”
Mandy, who averages 32 points and 17 rebounds per game, admits that during her six-weeks long bout of treatment there were a couple of times she thought it might be better to just quit the team. But she says that it was the unusual camaraderie of her team mates that prompted her decision to return to the court.
“Their support was unforgettable,” Mandy says, “with their concerned emails, the frequent Facebook posts, the visit from state health officials, getting my name out there as a Twitter trending topic. I hope to return the favor not just on the court but on Youtube webcams. As soon as I’m fully recovered, of course.”
Plucky Mandy Ford credits her return to
the Lady Nibblers to her supportive team comrades
the Lady Nibblers to her supportive team comrades
Cocks lick Beaver Valley
In high school basketball: the Cock Co. Cocks beat the Beaver Valley Nibblers 62 to 40 Friday night.
Nibblers coach Greg Gripe blamed his team's disappointing loss on a slick playing court.
"To begin with, it was an away game," Gripe says, "giving the Cocks an advantage. On top of that I've been told their cheerleader squad was doing home perms on each other on that same court just a couple hours before the game started. With all that mousse and hair gel getting spewed around, it had to leave the court slippery. It was a handicap for my boys, yes, but our rivals will get payback next week. I'm bringing in my wife's professional wet tee-shirt team in to practice before the game starts. By god, the Cocks will know then what a freaking wet court feels like."
Nibblers coach Greg Gripe blamed his team's disappointing loss on a slick playing court.
"To begin with, it was an away game," Gripe says, "giving the Cocks an advantage. On top of that I've been told their cheerleader squad was doing home perms on each other on that same court just a couple hours before the game started. With all that mousse and hair gel getting spewed around, it had to leave the court slippery. It was a handicap for my boys, yes, but our rivals will get payback next week. I'm bringing in my wife's professional wet tee-shirt team in to practice before the game starts. By god, the Cocks will know then what a freaking wet court feels like."
Peckers rise for entry
In junior basketball: the Pole City Jr. High Peckers rose to the occasion last Friday, defeating the Diesel Town Drips 4 to 2. The Peckers, who haven't won a game since 1974, were led to victory when Drips player, Elmer Swank, dunked the winning ball into the Pecker's net with only 1 second left on the clock. With this win the Peckers have now qualified as Cock Co.'s number 4 rated team. Their entry into this level will pit them against the Limp Wicket Bullets on March 4th in the first game of the county Junior competitions.