Orville Sassy
Orville "Mr. Sassy" died yesterday morning after a fatal assault near his home. Mr. Sassy's age was unknown.
Remembered by visitors and neighbors alike as "bright eyed and bushy tailed", Mr. Sassy was a long-time resident of the Jim Morrison Memorial Park. Here, he and his wife Crimson Blossom raised an ever-expanding family, and the couple also served as foster parents to one infant field mouse, a baby sparrow and a blind bat. Locals who knew the family say Mr. Sassy could sometimes be short-tempered with neighboring blackbirds, but that he enjoyed entertaining friends with his daring aeronautical exercises across tree boughs, power lines and the roof of the park pavilion.
Mr. Sassy leaves behind a wife, numerous children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. A burial and memorial service is scheduled Thursday under the big oak in the middle of the park. In lieu of flowers visitors are asked to bring sunflower seeds or orange husks.
Remembered by visitors and neighbors alike as "bright eyed and bushy tailed", Mr. Sassy was a long-time resident of the Jim Morrison Memorial Park. Here, he and his wife Crimson Blossom raised an ever-expanding family, and the couple also served as foster parents to one infant field mouse, a baby sparrow and a blind bat. Locals who knew the family say Mr. Sassy could sometimes be short-tempered with neighboring blackbirds, but that he enjoyed entertaining friends with his daring aeronautical exercises across tree boughs, power lines and the roof of the park pavilion.
Mr. Sassy leaves behind a wife, numerous children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. A burial and memorial service is scheduled Thursday under the big oak in the middle of the park. In lieu of flowers visitors are asked to bring sunflower seeds or orange husks.
Steven Bronson
Steven "War Craft" Bronson, 23, died Thursday from apparent self-inflicted wounds.
Bronson, a student at Municipal College was found dead in the bathroom of his dorm room Thursday. His roommate, Jed Hill, told police the body was found with its head submerged in the water of the toilet. Coroner Andrew Hill ruled out foul play on Friday. Hill surmised young Bronson had deliberately drowned himself following an argument with his hoped-for girlfriend, Sonja Glitz, the city's only prostitute to have ever done it with the entire International Chess Club.
Remembered as an avid Role Game player, Steven majored in Arts & Crafts in college and his family say he intended to open a macrame shop upon graduation. Funeral services for Steven will be held tomorrow night at the Mario Bros. Funeral Home and his burial is set for Saturday at the Comic Book Fans Pavilion & Eternal Rest Gardens.
Bronson, a student at Municipal College was found dead in the bathroom of his dorm room Thursday. His roommate, Jed Hill, told police the body was found with its head submerged in the water of the toilet. Coroner Andrew Hill ruled out foul play on Friday. Hill surmised young Bronson had deliberately drowned himself following an argument with his hoped-for girlfriend, Sonja Glitz, the city's only prostitute to have ever done it with the entire International Chess Club.
Remembered as an avid Role Game player, Steven majored in Arts & Crafts in college and his family say he intended to open a macrame shop upon graduation. Funeral services for Steven will be held tomorrow night at the Mario Bros. Funeral Home and his burial is set for Saturday at the Comic Book Fans Pavilion & Eternal Rest Gardens.
Guylena Burns
Guylena Burns, prominent socialite and wife of Mayor Dick Burns, passed away sometime during her sleep yesterday at the age of fifty-seven. A lifelong resident of Beaver Valley, Mrs. Burns was the daughter of George and Gigi Gloombury. Mr. Gloombury was a doctor who escaped post-war Germany in 1946 and was recruited by the American government to help develop the world's first tooth brightener for death-row inmates. Her mother was a dancer, rumored to be the former girlfriend of a high-ranking Nazi officer. After his work for the government Mr. Gloombury opened the Gloombury Pharmaceutical Corporation and became the city's most prosperous business owner.
Following the death of Guylena's parents by Mossad in 1978, Guylena inherited the family business. In 1980 she married Dick Burns, a used car salesman and toupee repair man. The couple had two and a half children: Dick, Jr., Mary II and Zock. Friends remember Guylena as a loving mother and exuberant defender of Mossad and the nation of Israel, even as Guylena always declared herself to be a born-again pagan. She was also active in several charitable organizations, including but not limited to The Salvation Army, Greenpeace, Save The Children, Action for Animals, Save The Whales, St. Judes Hospitals, The Make-a-Wish Foundation, The World Organization Against Torture, Elephant Sanctuary and Survivors of The Hannah Montana Show Foundation.
Guylena was found dead in her room at 4 AM yesterday morning by her husband and Officer Heather Schwartz of the city police department. She leaves behind her husband, two and a half children, over 100 foster children and twenty rescued pets. A spokesman for the Gloombury estate says that according to her last wishes, her fortune will be divided among her children and foster children. Mr. Burns confirmed he will be contesting his wife's will as soon as decently advisable.
Friends, family and anyone in need of a hot meal are invited to Guylena Burns' funeral, to be held Sunday afternoon at the Universal Love & Forgiveness Hospice. Her remains will afterward be entombed at the private Gloombury family cemetery.
Following the death of Guylena's parents by Mossad in 1978, Guylena inherited the family business. In 1980 she married Dick Burns, a used car salesman and toupee repair man. The couple had two and a half children: Dick, Jr., Mary II and Zock. Friends remember Guylena as a loving mother and exuberant defender of Mossad and the nation of Israel, even as Guylena always declared herself to be a born-again pagan. She was also active in several charitable organizations, including but not limited to The Salvation Army, Greenpeace, Save The Children, Action for Animals, Save The Whales, St. Judes Hospitals, The Make-a-Wish Foundation, The World Organization Against Torture, Elephant Sanctuary and Survivors of The Hannah Montana Show Foundation.
Guylena was found dead in her room at 4 AM yesterday morning by her husband and Officer Heather Schwartz of the city police department. She leaves behind her husband, two and a half children, over 100 foster children and twenty rescued pets. A spokesman for the Gloombury estate says that according to her last wishes, her fortune will be divided among her children and foster children. Mr. Burns confirmed he will be contesting his wife's will as soon as decently advisable.
Friends, family and anyone in need of a hot meal are invited to Guylena Burns' funeral, to be held Sunday afternoon at the Universal Love & Forgiveness Hospice. Her remains will afterward be entombed at the private Gloombury family cemetery.
Buddy Holmes
Buddy Holmes, 111 of Spartan Circle, died last Wednesday of smoking-related causes following a hit-and-run accident.
Mr. Holmes was born in Beaver Valley December 11, 1911. He served in both the second world war and the Korean conflict. In 1963 Mr. Holmes opened Buddy’s Broasted Chicken, the first fast food restaurant in Beaver Valley. A lifelong avid fisherman, at the ninety-five Holmes founded the Fishing For Life, an activity camp for underprivileged children. At the time of his death Buddy Holmes was still employed as a part-time life guard at the city gym and was an active member of the volunteer fire department. He is survived by four children, fourteen grandchildren, countless great-grandchildren and his sixth wife Brenda, whom he married in October. The couple’s child is due in July.
Funeral services for Mr. Holmes will be held at Arlington National Cemetery on Tuesday, followed by a memorial service for family and friends at the Fishing For Life park and recreational grounds. In lieu of flowers the family is asking loving friends and visitors to boycott the Coroners Office and/or Mayor Thompson's home during the first week of March.
Mr. Holmes was born in Beaver Valley December 11, 1911. He served in both the second world war and the Korean conflict. In 1963 Mr. Holmes opened Buddy’s Broasted Chicken, the first fast food restaurant in Beaver Valley. A lifelong avid fisherman, at the ninety-five Holmes founded the Fishing For Life, an activity camp for underprivileged children. At the time of his death Buddy Holmes was still employed as a part-time life guard at the city gym and was an active member of the volunteer fire department. He is survived by four children, fourteen grandchildren, countless great-grandchildren and his sixth wife Brenda, whom he married in October. The couple’s child is due in July.
Funeral services for Mr. Holmes will be held at Arlington National Cemetery on Tuesday, followed by a memorial service for family and friends at the Fishing For Life park and recreational grounds. In lieu of flowers the family is asking loving friends and visitors to boycott the Coroners Office and/or Mayor Thompson's home during the first week of March.