LOCAL
CHARGES DROPPED AGAINST TRANSGENDER JANITOR FOUND IN HIGH SCHOOL GIRLS' RESTROOM
"When nature calls, a civilized society does not discriminate!" This was the decision of Judge Joy Adcock, as she dismissed all charges against a local transgender person who was arrested last month after being found in the Girls restroom at Beaver Valley High School.
The suspect, known as Hans Freeley in employee records, was taken into custody in late August after five teenage girls reported an adult male was using the restroom facilities. A teaching assistant, responding to the girls' screams found Freeley standing on the back of a stall commode with a film camera in her possession.
According to testimony given to arresting officers, Freeley admitted she had gone into a stall in the restroom, but that she had a right to be there as she is a transgender "female". Freeley claimed that she had stood on top of the commode out of fear of a large centipede that had crawled into the stall, and that she always carried the camera because she is addicted to "selfies". On booking, Freeley further advised officers that she prefers to be known as Leia Freeley, and that sharing a cell with a male infringed on her rights of protection under the law. Although Freeley was forced to share a cell with two other males, she was able to post bond.
Today, Judge Adcock rejected the District Attorney's bid to bring Freeley's film into evidence, citing it as prejudicial material and then dismissed all charges against Freeley. Adcock said the charges were both rash and based on transgender phobia. In making her verdict, Adcock admonished both school officials as well as the five minors who initially reported Freeley.
The judge's decision was immediately hailed as a victory for local Transgender advocates. Freeley celebrated her freedom from gender persecution by visiting the local Hooters restaurants with a number of supportive male co-workers.
"When nature calls, a civilized society does not discriminate!" This was the decision of Judge Joy Adcock, as she dismissed all charges against a local transgender person who was arrested last month after being found in the Girls restroom at Beaver Valley High School.
The suspect, known as Hans Freeley in employee records, was taken into custody in late August after five teenage girls reported an adult male was using the restroom facilities. A teaching assistant, responding to the girls' screams found Freeley standing on the back of a stall commode with a film camera in her possession.
According to testimony given to arresting officers, Freeley admitted she had gone into a stall in the restroom, but that she had a right to be there as she is a transgender "female". Freeley claimed that she had stood on top of the commode out of fear of a large centipede that had crawled into the stall, and that she always carried the camera because she is addicted to "selfies". On booking, Freeley further advised officers that she prefers to be known as Leia Freeley, and that sharing a cell with a male infringed on her rights of protection under the law. Although Freeley was forced to share a cell with two other males, she was able to post bond.
Today, Judge Adcock rejected the District Attorney's bid to bring Freeley's film into evidence, citing it as prejudicial material and then dismissed all charges against Freeley. Adcock said the charges were both rash and based on transgender phobia. In making her verdict, Adcock admonished both school officials as well as the five minors who initially reported Freeley.
The judge's decision was immediately hailed as a victory for local Transgender advocates. Freeley celebrated her freedom from gender persecution by visiting the local Hooters restaurants with a number of supportive male co-workers.
FROM THE ARCHIVES
Local youth establishes community awareness org to educate about texting issues
Bree Thompson, the 17 year old daughter of District Attorney Thompson, says that an alarming number of teens are falling prey to the dangers of texting. Bree's eye-witness testimony to the perils facing young texters every day has prompted her, along with conscious friends, to form the first Beaver Valley organization created to address the address the issue of teen texting in the region.
YATI -short for Youths Against Texting Intolerance, will work to build solidarity among young adults and reach out to teens and young adults who have lived in shame about their texting problems. Thompson also says one of the org's first aims will be to establish a strong public presence through a number of high-profile projects. According to Thompson, ignorance about texting has too often led to misconceptions and discrimination from an older community.
"Until you get behind the wheel of a moving car you just have no idea how many morons there are out there," Thompson told reporters, "animals, grannies, small children, babies in strollers. And they all want the same thing.. to blame text mess'ng for all their problems. I want to bring this backward community out of the dark ages and make them understand that we young people have had enough. This is our world we are about to inherit off the fruits of our parents' labor, so by god the dumbasses of this world need to either watch for what's coming their way or stay the fuck away from our roads and highways. "
Bree, along with YATI's vice-presidents Brenna, Britney and Briana will be holding the organization's first meeting Saturday night 7:00PM at the Jello Shotz Shack.
YATI -short for Youths Against Texting Intolerance, will work to build solidarity among young adults and reach out to teens and young adults who have lived in shame about their texting problems. Thompson also says one of the org's first aims will be to establish a strong public presence through a number of high-profile projects. According to Thompson, ignorance about texting has too often led to misconceptions and discrimination from an older community.
"Until you get behind the wheel of a moving car you just have no idea how many morons there are out there," Thompson told reporters, "animals, grannies, small children, babies in strollers. And they all want the same thing.. to blame text mess'ng for all their problems. I want to bring this backward community out of the dark ages and make them understand that we young people have had enough. This is our world we are about to inherit off the fruits of our parents' labor, so by god the dumbasses of this world need to either watch for what's coming their way or stay the fuck away from our roads and highways. "
Bree, along with YATI's vice-presidents Brenna, Britney and Briana will be holding the organization's first meeting Saturday night 7:00PM at the Jello Shotz Shack.
School board to consider back-to-nature menu proposal
The Beaver Valley school board has announced plans to consider new
comprehensive menu changes for city schools.
School board president, Jane Wright, announced today that the board will consider a new menu for the school system as proposed by Mitzi Kellog, a nutrition advocate and host of the local talk radio show, Eating Can Kill You.
Kellog, who has vowed to pull her children out of the public educational system unless drastic menu changes are incorporated into the city school menus, brought up the proposal up at the bi-weekly public meeting of the board.
Kellog told the board that she developed her eating program after becoming alarmed at the dangerous levels of calories, fat, cholesterol, salt, starch and taste found in current school cafeteria fare.
“The cold December day my kindergartener came home and told me she was served a warm cheese sandwich and chicken noodle soup, I knew her health was being jeopardized," Kellog says. "I subsequently spent two weeks devising an alternative to the deplorable school menu, one endorsed by my nutrition expertise and mother’s common sense. I know the implementation of this new menu will not only insure children will be provided only nutritional, low-fat foods, it will inspire children to make healthy lifestyle choices long after they leave the system. Additionally, if the board implements my Back-To-Nature menu they are sure to see that the money once wasted on frivolous things like condiments and cups of syrupy peaches can be spent for things that actually benefit children.”
Kellog’s Back-To-Nature program calls for the old-fashioned cafeteria style lunch to be replaced with “grazing time”. During grazing time children would be let out to the school grounds and allowed to eat the grass like sheep and goats. Kellog noted that if in the event grass was not available due to snow or ice that children could be given icesicles as a low-fat and pro-water alternative. In the course of explaining the program Kellog passed around to the board and attending public photos of her own children enjoying a Back-to-Nature meal at home. While several parents in the room expressed vehement rejection of the plan, some in the audience voiced support after Kellog presented a list of expenses presently incurred by the school system as budgeted for cost of food and the salaries of cafeteria workers.
Cathy Ratcliff, an English teacher at the middle school said, “Teachers have encouraged cost cutting for years from this bull-headed board. By implementing this menu change they would finally have no excuse not to grant us teachers a one hundred percent salary increase, but also have enough in the kitty to put new televisions in every single teacher lounge. So, as an educator and mother with children in private schools, Ms. Kellog can count on me to give the proposal my full endorsement!"
School board president, Jane Wright, announced today that the board will consider a new menu for the school system as proposed by Mitzi Kellog, a nutrition advocate and host of the local talk radio show, Eating Can Kill You.
Kellog, who has vowed to pull her children out of the public educational system unless drastic menu changes are incorporated into the city school menus, brought up the proposal up at the bi-weekly public meeting of the board.
Kellog told the board that she developed her eating program after becoming alarmed at the dangerous levels of calories, fat, cholesterol, salt, starch and taste found in current school cafeteria fare.
“The cold December day my kindergartener came home and told me she was served a warm cheese sandwich and chicken noodle soup, I knew her health was being jeopardized," Kellog says. "I subsequently spent two weeks devising an alternative to the deplorable school menu, one endorsed by my nutrition expertise and mother’s common sense. I know the implementation of this new menu will not only insure children will be provided only nutritional, low-fat foods, it will inspire children to make healthy lifestyle choices long after they leave the system. Additionally, if the board implements my Back-To-Nature menu they are sure to see that the money once wasted on frivolous things like condiments and cups of syrupy peaches can be spent for things that actually benefit children.”
Kellog’s Back-To-Nature program calls for the old-fashioned cafeteria style lunch to be replaced with “grazing time”. During grazing time children would be let out to the school grounds and allowed to eat the grass like sheep and goats. Kellog noted that if in the event grass was not available due to snow or ice that children could be given icesicles as a low-fat and pro-water alternative. In the course of explaining the program Kellog passed around to the board and attending public photos of her own children enjoying a Back-to-Nature meal at home. While several parents in the room expressed vehement rejection of the plan, some in the audience voiced support after Kellog presented a list of expenses presently incurred by the school system as budgeted for cost of food and the salaries of cafeteria workers.
Cathy Ratcliff, an English teacher at the middle school said, “Teachers have encouraged cost cutting for years from this bull-headed board. By implementing this menu change they would finally have no excuse not to grant us teachers a one hundred percent salary increase, but also have enough in the kitty to put new televisions in every single teacher lounge. So, as an educator and mother with children in private schools, Ms. Kellog can count on me to give the proposal my full endorsement!"
Smoking blamed for death of city's eldest citizen
“Buddy Holmes had survived five wives, numerous wars and even prostate surgery at the age of 97, but he could not survive the dangers of smoking cigarettes.” This is the verdict of coroner Ronald Cogluber in a statement released following the death of celebrated native, Buddy Holmes.
Holmes, born in Beaver Valley in 1899, was walking home yesterday when a teenage driver veered off Edward Kennedy Drive and plowed into Mr. Holmes as he was walking along the sidewalk. Police investigators determined the unidentified teen driver was not only intoxicated, but also texting when the collision happened. Despite this scenario Erin Ayers as spokesperson for the DA's office, says that after evaluating the police reports and eyewitness accounts, he has decided against prosecuting the minor in connection with Holmes’ death.
“Mr. Holmes was walking home from buying cigarettes,” Ayers told reporters. “The contents of the pack of cigarettes he had purchased were strewn –along with his shoes and hat- for two blocks from the scene of the accident. It is clear that Mr. Holmes’ activities brought on his death. If he hadn’t been out getting his nicotine fix he would still be alive today.”
After the conference, relatives and friends of Holmes angrily confronted Ayers, accusing his decision of being politically motivated. But coroner Cogluber supported the DA’s conclusions.
“Smoking is the killer here,” Cogluber commented. “Even if that driver hadn’t come flying through, Mr. Holmes’ health was already compromised by decades of smoking. I’m sure he would not have lived to see his one-hundredth and twelfth birthday anyway.”
Buddy Holmes was born in Beaver Valley December 11, 1899. He served in both the second world war and the Korean conflict. In 1963 Mr. Holmes opened Buddy’s Broasted Chicken, the first fast food restaurant in Beaver Valley. A lifelong avid fisherman, at the age of ninety-five Holmes founded the Fishing For Life, an activity camp for underprivileged children. At the time of his death Buddy Holmes was still employed as a part-time life guard at the city gym and was an active member of the volunteer fire department. He is survived by four children, fourteen grandchildren, countless great-grandchildren and his sixth wife Brenda, whom he married in October. The couple’s child is due in July.
Smoking is blamed for shortening the life of 111 year old Buddy Holmes, seen here with his bride, Brenda
Couple charged in animal abuse case
Authorities have arrested two on charges stemming from a disturbing case of animal abuse reported last week.
Mittens Fluffmuffin Cleopatra and Prince Hugh Jackson Germaine were picked up yesterday morning and charged with aggravated abuse against owner Meg Johnson of 18 Maple Drive. An investigation of the pair's involvement began last Wednesday after Mrs. Johnson was treated for a broken ankle and lacerations at Our Lady of Gaga Hospital. According to her husband, a neighbor and the mailman, Mrs. Johnson had just stepped onto the front porch of the family home moments before the assault.
"She had liver treats for Prince and Mousey Nuggets for Mittens," Chris Johnson reported. "But the two of them just turned their noses up at it . Meg petted them briefly and promised to give them steak scraps that night. She then descended down the porch steps to take the mail from our post man, Jack, when Mittens and Prince ran in front of her. Meg was knocked down the steps onto the walk, and by the ungodly sound that came when she landed I knew at once some bone had snapped. As Jack and I tried to help Meg up Prince pounced on her back and began gnawing at her hair. Meanwhile Mittens jumped on poor Meg's legs and bit her. That's when Mrs. Smith from next door ran over to help. Mrs. Smith had her garden hose out and sprayed them good with it. They ran off, but not before Prince had raised his leg and peed on Meg's face."
Animal Control Authorities picked the suspects up early yesterday morning at Jim Morrison Memorial Park, where they were found sharing the remains of a squirrel. District Attorney Maynard Thompson says the couple will be held without bond until jury selection and probably turned over to a foster family for the course of their trial. Thompson admitted he would like nothing more than to throw the full book of the law at the couple, or at least smack them on the noses with a sturdy rolled-up newspaper.
"This was an especially vicious premeditated crime," Thompson commented. "We have a no-tolerance policy here for animal abusers of legal age. And if it were up to me they'd be charged as adults. But as they're both under a year old I doubt that will go over well with the Animal Control judge. The best I can hope for is to see them behind bars until some poor, unwitting dope is taken in by their cute, cuddly faces and adopts them."
Mittens Fluffmuffin Cleopatra and Prince Hugh Jackson Germaine were picked up yesterday morning and charged with aggravated abuse against owner Meg Johnson of 18 Maple Drive. An investigation of the pair's involvement began last Wednesday after Mrs. Johnson was treated for a broken ankle and lacerations at Our Lady of Gaga Hospital. According to her husband, a neighbor and the mailman, Mrs. Johnson had just stepped onto the front porch of the family home moments before the assault.
"She had liver treats for Prince and Mousey Nuggets for Mittens," Chris Johnson reported. "But the two of them just turned their noses up at it . Meg petted them briefly and promised to give them steak scraps that night. She then descended down the porch steps to take the mail from our post man, Jack, when Mittens and Prince ran in front of her. Meg was knocked down the steps onto the walk, and by the ungodly sound that came when she landed I knew at once some bone had snapped. As Jack and I tried to help Meg up Prince pounced on her back and began gnawing at her hair. Meanwhile Mittens jumped on poor Meg's legs and bit her. That's when Mrs. Smith from next door ran over to help. Mrs. Smith had her garden hose out and sprayed them good with it. They ran off, but not before Prince had raised his leg and peed on Meg's face."
Animal Control Authorities picked the suspects up early yesterday morning at Jim Morrison Memorial Park, where they were found sharing the remains of a squirrel. District Attorney Maynard Thompson says the couple will be held without bond until jury selection and probably turned over to a foster family for the course of their trial. Thompson admitted he would like nothing more than to throw the full book of the law at the couple, or at least smack them on the noses with a sturdy rolled-up newspaper.
"This was an especially vicious premeditated crime," Thompson commented. "We have a no-tolerance policy here for animal abusers of legal age. And if it were up to me they'd be charged as adults. But as they're both under a year old I doubt that will go over well with the Animal Control judge. The best I can hope for is to see them behind bars until some poor, unwitting dope is taken in by their cute, cuddly faces and adopts them."
Celebrity look-alike winner buys historic Steiger Farm
Rod Heat, actor, three-time winner of the Hugh Laurie-Is-My-Twin World Championship and a professional celebrity look-alike has bought the old Steiger homestead and farm.
Heat, who bought the deed to the historic property last Friday, says he wanted the place as a present for his wife, Jackie.
"She used to work for Gloombury Pharmaceuticals here in Beaver Valley and always said she'd like to move back," Heat explained. "So after my retirement from the film industry I thought what the hell? It is a beautiful piece and isolated enough for her to continue her own research in peace. And I think this will also give us a chance to start a family. I have already fallen in love with the scenery and friendly atmosphere and feel this is the perfect place to raise children. And when we get bored, the isolation is cooperative to making personal adult movies with Jackie. She was always shy about trying that in front of people, so poor girl, she'll have no excuse now. And no one will her screams. I like that."
Jackie Heat is a renowned chemist and historical author. She and Heat were wed four years ago in Paris, while Heat was filming The Marquis, a historically-based account of famous writer and prisoner, the Marquis de Sade.
Heat, who bought the deed to the historic property last Friday, says he wanted the place as a present for his wife, Jackie.
"She used to work for Gloombury Pharmaceuticals here in Beaver Valley and always said she'd like to move back," Heat explained. "So after my retirement from the film industry I thought what the hell? It is a beautiful piece and isolated enough for her to continue her own research in peace. And I think this will also give us a chance to start a family. I have already fallen in love with the scenery and friendly atmosphere and feel this is the perfect place to raise children. And when we get bored, the isolation is cooperative to making personal adult movies with Jackie. She was always shy about trying that in front of people, so poor girl, she'll have no excuse now. And no one will her screams. I like that."
Jackie Heat is a renowned chemist and historical author. She and Heat were wed four years ago in Paris, while Heat was filming The Marquis, a historically-based account of famous writer and prisoner, the Marquis de Sade.
Home owner association president declares war on religious lawn and exterior decorations
On the heels of last year’s victory over a resident who sued
because she wanted to put up a clothes line in her back yard, the Home Owners president of
the exclusive Willow Brooks community has declared war on holiday displays.
Cynthia Davenport, president of the Willow Brooks Estate Home Owners Association says a number of her neighbors have willfully failed to comply with community rules that require them to remove all holiday displays no later than a week following the respective holiday.
"This last winter season has been the last straw on the camel's back," Davenport says. "I went for a jog yesterday and was once more confronted by that stupid snowman display on the Harper's front lawn. They aren't the only ones either. I can't even look through my telescope on the back porch without spying some hideous statue or other left-over holiday crap somewhere in the neighborhood. These elitist-posers have flagrantly discarded the rules here and its time to teach all their trashy butts a lesson."
Because of recent vacations by several prominent members of the Home Owners association Davenport is unable to call an emergency meeting to address the situation. But, she maintains, she has the help of community security officers. She has decided to put these employees to work in destroying all non-conforming displays if they not removed by the respective owners by sunset of March 1.
“I don’t care what religious holiday you celebrate,” Davenport explains, “these left-over winter displays violate the agreement owners sign before being allowed to buy a Willow Brooks property. Not only are these displays out of season, their very presence is hostile to the standard of aesthetics our designers held sacred when planning this exclusive and refined community. So I better see all the lights, porch menorahs, solstice door banners, wise men, Santa Clauses, Valentine wreaths, Martin Luther King photos -the whole damned kit and kaboodle- taken down and out of sight by sunset.of March 1st. or so help me you will be seeing baby Jesus heads rolling in the street the next morning! And god help anyone who sets a single Easter basket by their welcome mat before the designated time-frame!"
Cynthia Davenport, president of the Willow Brooks Estate Home Owners Association says a number of her neighbors have willfully failed to comply with community rules that require them to remove all holiday displays no later than a week following the respective holiday.
"This last winter season has been the last straw on the camel's back," Davenport says. "I went for a jog yesterday and was once more confronted by that stupid snowman display on the Harper's front lawn. They aren't the only ones either. I can't even look through my telescope on the back porch without spying some hideous statue or other left-over holiday crap somewhere in the neighborhood. These elitist-posers have flagrantly discarded the rules here and its time to teach all their trashy butts a lesson."
Because of recent vacations by several prominent members of the Home Owners association Davenport is unable to call an emergency meeting to address the situation. But, she maintains, she has the help of community security officers. She has decided to put these employees to work in destroying all non-conforming displays if they not removed by the respective owners by sunset of March 1.
“I don’t care what religious holiday you celebrate,” Davenport explains, “these left-over winter displays violate the agreement owners sign before being allowed to buy a Willow Brooks property. Not only are these displays out of season, their very presence is hostile to the standard of aesthetics our designers held sacred when planning this exclusive and refined community. So I better see all the lights, porch menorahs, solstice door banners, wise men, Santa Clauses, Valentine wreaths, Martin Luther King photos -the whole damned kit and kaboodle- taken down and out of sight by sunset.of March 1st. or so help me you will be seeing baby Jesus heads rolling in the street the next morning! And god help anyone who sets a single Easter basket by their welcome mat before the designated time-frame!"
Local officer awarded city's highest award
City Officer Heather Schwartz has been awarded the Fantastic Citizen Award following a valiant rescue of Mayor Dick Burns.
Schwartz was on hand at Burns' residence last Thursday when the Mayor began choking on a piece of oyster shell that had lodged in his throat. Schwartz immediately called her mother and asked how to apply the Heimlich Maneuver. Her actions saved the Mayor's life, and this past week Burns created the Fantastic Citizen Award in Schwartz's honor. She is the city's first recipient.
"I'd be a dead man without the quick thinking of this brave law enforcement officer," Burns said.
Schwartz, who has been a member of the city police department for only three weeks, also received a dinner at Steve's Steak House and a city check for $10,000. She said what she did was "no biggie" and that she planned to donate the money to a good cause or get a "lip job".
Schwartz was on hand at Burns' residence last Thursday when the Mayor began choking on a piece of oyster shell that had lodged in his throat. Schwartz immediately called her mother and asked how to apply the Heimlich Maneuver. Her actions saved the Mayor's life, and this past week Burns created the Fantastic Citizen Award in Schwartz's honor. She is the city's first recipient.
"I'd be a dead man without the quick thinking of this brave law enforcement officer," Burns said.
Schwartz, who has been a member of the city police department for only three weeks, also received a dinner at Steve's Steak House and a city check for $10,000. She said what she did was "no biggie" and that she planned to donate the money to a good cause or get a "lip job".
Lauded police officer quits
Officer Mariah Carver has quit her post with the city police department. Carver, as some may remember, was presented the state's highest award for bravery on two occasions, once for having saved an infant from a rabid dog and another time for rescuing a houseful of elderly crack users from a burning house. She is also credited for breaking up scores of smuggling rings in and around Beaver Valley and has received a Presidential Citation three times during her career.
Carver says she plans to leave the region and take one of numerous detective positions offered to her this week from departments from over twenty-nine states. But Carver maintains she leaves with no grudges for the people of Beaver Valley and wish them only the best of luck.
"I've enjoyed living here since I arrived in 2001," Officer Carver said. "But I just can't get a promotion. My reviews score well every quarter, until they reach the Mayor's office for approval. Beaver Valley is a beautiful town, people here are friendly and no one in the department ever said one inappropriate remark about me being a lesbian. I just don't know why I can't advance on the force here. Oh well. Bye bye, folks, and I love ya. But I'm outta here."
Carver says she plans to leave the region and take one of numerous detective positions offered to her this week from departments from over twenty-nine states. But Carver maintains she leaves with no grudges for the people of Beaver Valley and wish them only the best of luck.
"I've enjoyed living here since I arrived in 2001," Officer Carver said. "But I just can't get a promotion. My reviews score well every quarter, until they reach the Mayor's office for approval. Beaver Valley is a beautiful town, people here are friendly and no one in the department ever said one inappropriate remark about me being a lesbian. I just don't know why I can't advance on the force here. Oh well. Bye bye, folks, and I love ya. But I'm outta here."
Author announces plan to start crops on historic farm land
Jackie Heat, chemist and bestselling author of health-related non-fiction, has announced she plans to raise red clover and tobacco at the farm recently purchased by her husband.
The historic Steiger homestead and farm was recently purchased by Heat's husband, and she says it is his wish for her to continue her research at there. While declining to divulge the precise nature of her research, it is known that Jackie Heat has incurred the criticism of several major pharmaceutical companies for her views about life-quality and cancer treatment. But she has also won the praise of several highly respected figures, including the Dalai Lama, Chief Rainbow Feathers of the Ojibwe, Kumari Devi (the living Goddess) of Kathmandu and High Priestess Barbara, leader of the largest Tantric church in the United States.
"I am very excited to be a part of the Beaver Valley community again," Heat told the press. "At one time I was employed by Gloombury Pharmaceuticals and always loved this area."
Steiger Farm was once a prosperous tobacco farm, built and established in 1913 by Jedidiah Steiger. By 1939 it had become one of the biggest privately owned tobacco producing farms in North America and employed over two hundred local residents at any given time. But in 1999 the last of the Steiger descendants, Gerald Steiger, died at the age of 90 without a descendant. The farm and business then passed into the hands of a cousin's adopted son, Dick Burns. Mr. Burns, a major stock holder in Gloombury Pharmaceuticals, manufacturer of some of the world's best-selling smoking cessation products, had no interest in continuing with tobacco growing. He subsequently dismissed the employees and sold the property to his son, Edward. Edward possessed the property until Mr. Heat bought it last week.
Mrs. Heat plans to raise tobacco, red clover, lettuce and several varieties of herbs. She also says the farming plans will bring new jobs to Beaver Valley.
"I am aware that the unemployment rate for Beaver Valley has increased over 25% in the last two years," the author says. "The purchase of the farm couldn't have come at a better time for the people here. Within the next ten months I expect to hire on at least forty persons for farming development and assistance in my lab. And even sooner than that, my husband will be looking for a qualified camera man. My husband is offering $500 an hour plus a lifetime supply of his trademark brand personal lubricant."
The historic Steiger homestead and farm was recently purchased by Heat's husband, and she says it is his wish for her to continue her research at there. While declining to divulge the precise nature of her research, it is known that Jackie Heat has incurred the criticism of several major pharmaceutical companies for her views about life-quality and cancer treatment. But she has also won the praise of several highly respected figures, including the Dalai Lama, Chief Rainbow Feathers of the Ojibwe, Kumari Devi (the living Goddess) of Kathmandu and High Priestess Barbara, leader of the largest Tantric church in the United States.
"I am very excited to be a part of the Beaver Valley community again," Heat told the press. "At one time I was employed by Gloombury Pharmaceuticals and always loved this area."
Steiger Farm was once a prosperous tobacco farm, built and established in 1913 by Jedidiah Steiger. By 1939 it had become one of the biggest privately owned tobacco producing farms in North America and employed over two hundred local residents at any given time. But in 1999 the last of the Steiger descendants, Gerald Steiger, died at the age of 90 without a descendant. The farm and business then passed into the hands of a cousin's adopted son, Dick Burns. Mr. Burns, a major stock holder in Gloombury Pharmaceuticals, manufacturer of some of the world's best-selling smoking cessation products, had no interest in continuing with tobacco growing. He subsequently dismissed the employees and sold the property to his son, Edward. Edward possessed the property until Mr. Heat bought it last week.
Mrs. Heat plans to raise tobacco, red clover, lettuce and several varieties of herbs. She also says the farming plans will bring new jobs to Beaver Valley.
"I am aware that the unemployment rate for Beaver Valley has increased over 25% in the last two years," the author says. "The purchase of the farm couldn't have come at a better time for the people here. Within the next ten months I expect to hire on at least forty persons for farming development and assistance in my lab. And even sooner than that, my husband will be looking for a qualified camera man. My husband is offering $500 an hour plus a lifetime supply of his trademark brand personal lubricant."
Gloombury announces plans to thwart tobacco raising at Steiger Farm
Representatives for Gloombury Pharmaceuticals have announced plans to seek an injunction against recently proposed tobacco growing at the old Steiger Farm.
Citing overwhelming evidence that tobacco products produce cancer and other health risks, legal attorney Jeff Bendhover for Gloombury says they will seek legal aid in stopping new production of tobacco and other suspicious herbs such as clover on the farm.
“In this day and age it is downright stupid for anyone to open a new tobacco farm,” Bendhover said. “Someone has to defend what’s best for the public.”
Gloombury Pharmaceuticals is the world's leading manufacturer of Stop-smoking aids. Jeff Bendhover has testified in congress about the dangers of smoking and has won over 1,000 private lawsuit cases against various cigarette makers. He also won a day time Emmy award in 1999 for writing the jingle, “Addicted to this little polka dot pill” that is still used in a Gloombury television and radio promotion.
Minor given citation at District Attorney's home
A minor was given a driving citation this morning at the home of District Attorney, Maynard Thompson. According to details begrudgingly given by an officer who requested anonymity, the youth had been cited for texting during a recent outing on Edward Kennedy Drive. According to the unnamed officer he witnessed the teen text-messaging after leaving Biden's Liquor Store and seen to proceed through a red light at the intersection of Sean Penn Road and Kindergarten Dr. before continuing onto Edward Kennedy at 80 mph. The officer says the teen will most likely be fined $25 for the texting citation. No charges are pending.
A teen living in the home of District Attorney Maynard Thompson has reportedly received a traffic citation. As is the custom of the Beaver Valley Post, the names of underage suspects and criminals are not revealed, even if they are spoiled trashy little cunts like the DA's daughter who lives at 1010 Windsor Heights Estates.