Upcoming community events
February 14: The Brotherhood of Knights of Sicily will present their annual recreation of the Valentine Day Massacre at the Childrens Hands-On Museum. Shows at 8:00 AM and encore at 5:00 PM
February 27: The Roman Polanski Day Care Center will be taking registration for the spring quarter, after school hours until midnight.
February 28: The Joe Biden Fan Club will be holding an off-road race at the old ambulance and school bus depository. Begins at 2:00 PM, open to the public BYOB
March 1: The regional legion of the Black Panthers will be taking donations of cracker babies at Daryl’s Gym.
March 5: The Bristol Palin School of Birth Control will be holding auditions for pool boys, 3:00-6:00 PM
March 14: The Tim Geithner University of Economics will be open for spring registration. Applicants must bring a GED or permission note from parents or spouse.
March 15: The Charlie Sheen School of Anger Management will be closing for business.
March 17: The Soccer Moms of Beaver Valley will be holding a raffle to raise donations to buy a replacement of the Twilight series for the Cougars Library. Winner will receive a stuffed cougar, ready for mounting.
March 17: YATI (Youths Against Texting Intolerance) will hold a Four Loko chug-a-thon at Brenna's dad's garage. Donations will go for the vanity plate on Bree's new boat.
March 17: O'Learys will be holding a Leprechaun Toss, 12 Midnite -to- dawn.
March 17: The Emo Society will be holding a Black Beer and poison brunch at Nathan's house, 10:00 AM BYOP
March 20: The Gun Club will be hold a fireworks display at the abandoned ammunition dump on Dick Cheney Road, 8:00PM, weather permitting. BYOB
March 6-26 The Vietnamese Tiger restaurant will be taking donations of puppies at rear parking lot.
March 27: The Gerbil Society will be taking donations of gerbils in the rear.
Upcoming Church events
February 14: Participating Sisters will be handing out saltpeter lollipops to teens and adults at the Church of the Perpetually Frustrated Virgin. All day event.
February: 15: The Brotherhood of Merciful Physicians will be performing free stomach pumping at the Church of the Perpetually Frustrated Virgin. All day event. Attending visitors are asked to enter and exit through back door of church.
February 24: The Ministry of Intellectually Stagnant and Loving It will hold a general book burning at the Fire & Brimstone Youth Center. Begins at 6 PM.
February 27: The Order of Gazooloo-Daemon Priesthood will hold their annual Toss-a-Virgin-over-the-Fire sports event at their Temple complex. The sporting event will be followed by a cannibal banquet and Smores roast. Begins at 4:00 PM
March 2: The Edward Cullen House of Worship will be holding a blood drive. All night event.
March 5: The First Church of Michelle Obama will hold an All-You-Can-Eat Salad Fest at the Anorexia Rehabilitation Center. Proceeds to to pay for a new ice cream bar for the First Lady's mother. Begins at 6 PM.
March 10: The Holiness Pentecostal Church of God’s Frothing Wrath will be holding a chili and cornbread supper in the parking lot. Proceeds will go to funding a pavement. 7-9 PM
March 12: St. Gaga’s Catholic Church will be holding a wieners and sauerkraut supper in the church basement. Proceeds will be used to sponsor a trip for youth and children to Las Vegas. 7:00 PM-9PM
March 13: The Second Baptist Church will be holding a soup bean supper in the dining hall. Proceeds will go toward a pilgrimage to the birth place of Pat Robertson. 7:00-9PM
March 16: The United Atheists Church will be holding a prune cake walk in the nearby park. Proceeds will go toward the purchase of a new church bathroom. 10 AM
March 17: The First Church of Eugenicsology will be holding a spam & eggs supper in the sanctuary. Proceeds will be spent on a pilgrimage to George Bernard Shaw’s grave site. 6:00-8 PM
March 18: The United Religious People Against Flatulence Church will be holding their Save The Nostrils Rally in the Civitan park. Peanut butter pie to be served before and after the event. Begins at 9 AM