Items for sale
Automobiles
One green truck, Ford, poor condition, no tires, no breaks, great radio. Best offer. For more info or to hear me talk dirty call 555-0005
1988 Maverick, blue, engine like new, retreaded tires. Will trade for Rubick's cube in good condition. Contact Marv at Beaver Valley PO #259
1931 Ford Roadster, black with gold trim, original engine, original upholstery, like-new tires. Superb condition. Mummies of two small children and old woman in back seat. Also superb condition. $40,000 Contact Officer Johnny at Beaver Valley PO #99
1968 Gold Viper with original leather upholstery, excellent condition. Valued at $67,000. Will trade for one night's escort to my former husband's wedding to Bambi. Please bring fine shirt-less self for trade evaluation with Martha at 568 Vanderbilt Estates.
Homes
Two-story Victorian, built in 1922. Four beds, two baths, one fireplace, furniture in good condition, large kitchen and good-sized lot. Close to schools and shopping district. Will trade for black Ford Roadster
Lop-sided A-Frame. Located in woods beyond fence surrounding old Mental Asylum. No bathroom, needs repairs, needs extermination for spiders, lice, roaches and other crawly things. $1,000,000 or buttload of meth email Brad at DRSOffice@yahoome. com
Household items
Mattress, once used in porn movie. Call Rod at 1-800-RD-HEAT
Antique claw-foot bathtub. Original gold faucets and great condition. Haunted, need to get rid of before it lures another innocent soul and kills again. Free to good home. Call immediately please at 010-555-0666
Toilet tissue, used. Contact Zock at uberurinal@ privilegedwealthycom
One dresser with good finish and mirror. Dead mouse carcass in bottom drawer. $5.00 call Wendi at 555-555-WHOA
Farm Items
Tractor, big, red, has tires and something you steer with. Comes with burly man with skinny penis. $400 or best offer. Contact Mina at ihatemarriage @ remorseful.com
Marijuana hay, many bales. Will sell or burn at your place for right price. Call Joey at 333-555-WEED
Boats
Small pink boat with jewel stern and bubble maker on crow's nest. Seats three Barbies or two classic G.I. Joes $4,000 contact Jim at laceymake @yahoomountaindew.com
Miscellaneous
One large box of miscellaneous, good condition. $100 Contact Reagan at messyme @hootymail.com
Looking to buy or trade
KISS, Black Sabbath and Judas Priest memorabilia. Also interested in concert tickets for Anthrax and Slayer, and private phone number for Katy Perry.. Contact Jesus at Beaver Valley PO #777
Skeleton keys, glass cutters, handguns and a ski mask. Willing to pay or make worthwhile trade. Contact Officer Johnny at Beaver Valley PO #99
Buying eternal souls now at Reverend Fred's Used Parts, offering top dollar. Contact Fred now at stgabrielsarmy @ churchcrap.com
One green truck, Ford, poor condition, no tires, no breaks, great radio. Best offer. For more info or to hear me talk dirty call 555-0005
1988 Maverick, blue, engine like new, retreaded tires. Will trade for Rubick's cube in good condition. Contact Marv at Beaver Valley PO #259
1931 Ford Roadster, black with gold trim, original engine, original upholstery, like-new tires. Superb condition. Mummies of two small children and old woman in back seat. Also superb condition. $40,000 Contact Officer Johnny at Beaver Valley PO #99
1968 Gold Viper with original leather upholstery, excellent condition. Valued at $67,000. Will trade for one night's escort to my former husband's wedding to Bambi. Please bring fine shirt-less self for trade evaluation with Martha at 568 Vanderbilt Estates.
Homes
Two-story Victorian, built in 1922. Four beds, two baths, one fireplace, furniture in good condition, large kitchen and good-sized lot. Close to schools and shopping district. Will trade for black Ford Roadster
Lop-sided A-Frame. Located in woods beyond fence surrounding old Mental Asylum. No bathroom, needs repairs, needs extermination for spiders, lice, roaches and other crawly things. $1,000,000 or buttload of meth email Brad at DRSOffice@yahoome. com
Household items
Mattress, once used in porn movie. Call Rod at 1-800-RD-HEAT
Antique claw-foot bathtub. Original gold faucets and great condition. Haunted, need to get rid of before it lures another innocent soul and kills again. Free to good home. Call immediately please at 010-555-0666
Toilet tissue, used. Contact Zock at uberurinal@ privilegedwealthycom
One dresser with good finish and mirror. Dead mouse carcass in bottom drawer. $5.00 call Wendi at 555-555-WHOA
Farm Items
Tractor, big, red, has tires and something you steer with. Comes with burly man with skinny penis. $400 or best offer. Contact Mina at ihatemarriage @ remorseful.com
Marijuana hay, many bales. Will sell or burn at your place for right price. Call Joey at 333-555-WEED
Boats
Small pink boat with jewel stern and bubble maker on crow's nest. Seats three Barbies or two classic G.I. Joes $4,000 contact Jim at laceymake @yahoomountaindew.com
Miscellaneous
One large box of miscellaneous, good condition. $100 Contact Reagan at messyme @hootymail.com
Looking to buy or trade
KISS, Black Sabbath and Judas Priest memorabilia. Also interested in concert tickets for Anthrax and Slayer, and private phone number for Katy Perry.. Contact Jesus at Beaver Valley PO #777
Skeleton keys, glass cutters, handguns and a ski mask. Willing to pay or make worthwhile trade. Contact Officer Johnny at Beaver Valley PO #99
Buying eternal souls now at Reverend Fred's Used Parts, offering top dollar. Contact Fred now at stgabrielsarmy @ churchcrap.com
Employment
Hiring
Gloombury Pharmaceuticals is seeking individuals for exciting career in drug and medical product testing. Interested individuals should be willing to venture into dark isolated places with no doors or windows for extensive periods of time. Preference will be given to individuals with severed ties with family members and friends. Applications being taken at the flea market, in unmarked stall. Pays $20 an hour.
The Beaver Valley Nursing Home is taking applications for experienced patient companions. Duties include reading to patients, aiding in baths, delivering individual mail, light housework and supervising pool activities. Preference given to individuals with clown costumes and experience in leaping out of dark corridors with shrill, terrifying screams. Pay negotiable. Interested parties can take applications at the BV Nursing Home on Cemetery Avenue.
The Justice League of America is seeking individuals with experience in fighting for good causes, flying or leaping high distances, self-incineration and destroying things with x-ray vision. Interested parties need to be willing to wear colorful, snug costumes with capes. A background in activities requiring the use of spandex and leotards will be useful. Applications being taken now at the JLA Center on Main Street.
Experienced film maker wanted to help make intimate home movies. Applicants must be able to provide proof of health status and an appreciation for discretion. Females aged 18-25 preferred. Pays $25 an hour, with room and board. Interested and qualified parties may contact Rod Heat, Beaver Valley PO #69
Seeking industrious individual to put spiders in my sister's mattress. Will pay my week's allowance of $12.00 to interested person. Call Shawn at 555-4341 or meet me at the ball park at 3:00 Saturday afternoon.
Looking for employment
Experienced minister seeking parishioners and large snake. Will work for room and board. "Rev Ted" at Beaver Valley Post #790
Experienced teacher seeking employment as sex ed teacher, minimum wage required. "Mrs. Davenport" at Beaver Valley PO #550
Industrious, experienced housekeeper 38-28-36, blonde, willing to scrub hard to reach areas for older gents. Pay negotiable. Contact Bambi at Beaver Valley PO box #88
Gloombury Pharmaceuticals is seeking individuals for exciting career in drug and medical product testing. Interested individuals should be willing to venture into dark isolated places with no doors or windows for extensive periods of time. Preference will be given to individuals with severed ties with family members and friends. Applications being taken at the flea market, in unmarked stall. Pays $20 an hour.
The Beaver Valley Nursing Home is taking applications for experienced patient companions. Duties include reading to patients, aiding in baths, delivering individual mail, light housework and supervising pool activities. Preference given to individuals with clown costumes and experience in leaping out of dark corridors with shrill, terrifying screams. Pay negotiable. Interested parties can take applications at the BV Nursing Home on Cemetery Avenue.
The Justice League of America is seeking individuals with experience in fighting for good causes, flying or leaping high distances, self-incineration and destroying things with x-ray vision. Interested parties need to be willing to wear colorful, snug costumes with capes. A background in activities requiring the use of spandex and leotards will be useful. Applications being taken now at the JLA Center on Main Street.
Experienced film maker wanted to help make intimate home movies. Applicants must be able to provide proof of health status and an appreciation for discretion. Females aged 18-25 preferred. Pays $25 an hour, with room and board. Interested and qualified parties may contact Rod Heat, Beaver Valley PO #69
Seeking industrious individual to put spiders in my sister's mattress. Will pay my week's allowance of $12.00 to interested person. Call Shawn at 555-4341 or meet me at the ball park at 3:00 Saturday afternoon.
Looking for employment
Experienced minister seeking parishioners and large snake. Will work for room and board. "Rev Ted" at Beaver Valley Post #790
Experienced teacher seeking employment as sex ed teacher, minimum wage required. "Mrs. Davenport" at Beaver Valley PO #550
Industrious, experienced housekeeper 38-28-36, blonde, willing to scrub hard to reach areas for older gents. Pay negotiable. Contact Bambi at Beaver Valley PO box #88
Dating & Personals
Happy Birthday Linda Vernswiper, we love you and thank you for helping us escape!
~the fifth grade class of Clone Elementary
Happy Birthday Doug Frehley, you lying, two-timing bastard. Hope you enjoyed the keying.
~J.S.
Seeking YW lady companion with BTT's, under ambitious IQ, interested in gun cleaning.
~Officer Johnny at Beaver Valley PO #99
Seeking female companion with rigid thighs and cold exterior for possible marital interest. Will pay for transit from morgue.
~Bill, Beaver Valley PO #745
Seeking female companion with BTT and small tight tush, who likes dancing, wine making and handling fish. If you are this lady give me the chance to show you a miraculous time!
~Jesus at Beaver Valley PO #777